Why has ghosting become the norm?

Ladies and gents this one is for you all. As I mentioned to so many friends this year that I decided I was going to get real, raw and vulnerable with you all. Life is about taking risks after all isn't it.

The dreaded 'V' word has haunted us all, but if I don't get real and raw and vulnerable, then who will read my posts? That isn't really what matters to me as an avid blogger, but I figured it helps me grow as a person and if just one person is able to relate to my posts, then I have done by job but offering up my own vulnerabilty.

Hey maybe just some day the person reading this will change their mind and not disappear like Casper the friendly ghost, when considering a date with their possible future spouse.

Wondering what in the world I am talking about, well then you came to the right blog today. Ghosting has become the norm and I continually ask myself why, but I have yet to find an answer, other than what my girlfriends and I have come up with. What is ghosting you ask? 

According to online google searches,  ghosting can be described as the following' " The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication." In my case recently, all of this ghosting didn't even start in a relationship, so truly the lack thereof. Urban Dictionary does an even better job at describing what ghosting means by denoting, "The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject of dating, but no longer wishes to date."  Now my most recent experience is all too real and ghostly.

A perfect example of this ghosting phenomenon happen to me back in January of this year. Here goes my privacy and vulnerability out the window.  I decided I was going to take a gamble and add yet another portfolio of dating sites to my apps on my phone, and here enters the beloved Tinder. (Please note I am not at all promoting this or any dating website, just merely sharing my sad story with the world). My initial thought was isn't tinder a hookup site? Well, here went nothing, literally after putting my tinder profile up, which has since been deleted for lack of annoyance and nonsense. 

My profile was complete and I started swiping left each night as I perused the online personals of men who put their best head shot up and sales advertisement of why I should either swipe 'LEFT', to say goodbye or 'RIGHT', to potentially find a match made in heaven, or is it hell?

So, as I swiped onwards on Tinder I would come to a few matches, match after match I would remain hopeful for messages to pop up and they almost never did. On occasion I would get one brave man that would write me a few words, and then they would be gone.  A few sentences and comments and then poof, ghostly, ghoulish and gone forever. I started to wonder, what in the world is going on that these men are not messaging me? Well, come to find out, this is all too common with dating apps. Many men and women swipe right which makes the match on many sites and match with the opposite sex and then nobody ever communicates and the matches go to a match made in hell, in other words, a line of matches with nothing to show in your inbox. Sad isn't even the word to describe these dating sites, that all claim to be vastly different from each other, yet they are all very alike in so many ways.

Well, here goes my story. I matched with a guy, let's keep him Anonymous, we can name him 'Spencer.'

Well, Mr. Spencer and I connected and immediately began messaging each other in the app for a few days. He wasted no time and within a day or two, asked me for my number. We then planned an evening to facetime (with the infamous iphone). The facetime 'date' turned into a two hour live chat. A day or two later, the same lovely conversation ensued, but this time for three hours.

After this, we realized we may have a connection, so he asked me out on a date, mind you this is all in the span of the same week. We went on a date on Friday of that week (back in January) and it was really quite amazing, or so I had thought. We discussed life, our goals and just enjoyed each others company. I will spare you the details, other than the fact, he continously made empty promises of how his family will love me and he cannot wait for me to meet them.

Epic failure on a man's part, so gentlemen take note, and stop spewing words and shit out to women when you don't really realize that women take things to heart, more than most of you. Either way I took the comments and kind thoughts with a grain of salt, as this had happened before.  However, I am truly not jaded, despite about what this post may sound like. 

I was hoping this date and connection was different. We ended up spending the next few days together and even spoke on the phone for another two hours the Monday before he disappeared. Keep in mind I would wake up and receive morning text messages from 'Spencer, and then the last two days, Monday and Tuesday, my women instincts made me think something wasn't right and all this was really, truly and deeply too good to be true. Tuesday rolls around and no text messages, not even a hello. Wednesday rolls around and it happened to be 'Spencer's' birthday, so I sent an early, 'Happy Birthday,' text. A few hours later, the end result, " I have to leave town and fly up north for work and work through lunch, sorry I have to cancel our plans tonight,' which so happened to be his birthday. I guess turning 41 can be a scary milestone and, so can a female offering to take you out to a nice dinner on your birthday.

In a nut shell and a weeklong romance, or lack thereof, was the last I heard from 'Spencer'. Truly, ghostly and ghosted. No reason, on explanation, just gone like that. Ladies, take it from me don't waste your time trying to figure out what went wrong, just move on. He isn't worth your time.  Later come to find out, he changed a bit on his profile, after I kept telling him he shouldn't be worried about his height, so I knew the leaving town bit was a complete and utter lie. Sure enough, I guess this ghost did me a favor as I don't do liars. Why he couldn't just be honest I will never know. I guess it is easier to let someone down by disappearing than spewing out the truth right?

I can tell you I have had successful relationships by meeting men online, but ghosting is now at an all time high.

Here is another perfect example. I connected with a guy on another site the other day. Now, granted I was being a bit of a hard ass, and giving him a hard time, as he connected with me weeks ago, exchanged phone numbers with me and then never responded to my text, so I figured he was gone and ghostly. Then earlier this week I get a random text and asked who he was. He sends me a photo and I realized who the face is with the name. I entertained his excuses of life and work getting in the way and ended up convincing him to call me on facetime. Funniest part is he had never used facetime and had to figure it out. This alone should have been a sign, writen with the words, 'dumb', all over it.

Now, you may consider this harsh, but my girlfriend warned me when he told me he had never used facetime.  When I called him out on it, he told me he wasn't so technologically inclined and as soon as that happened my facetime phone call was ringing. We went onto having a video chat for about twenty minutes, where he proceeded to compliment me and then ask me if I wanted to go on a date this past weekend. I let him know I was open to it and let him know to let me know the plan. 

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This brings me to the art of ghosting. My instincts and gut are almost always right and I had a feeling this guy was going to completely and utterly ghost me and not even communicate that there really was no date happening. That is exactly what happened as I did not get one text or phone call from the time we chatted until the proposed date evening. We as humans surely have evolved and everyone's access to social media, texting and lack of communication has caused for this sad phenoma to continue to happen. It truly is difficult to take any of these dating sites or even meeting in person too seriously. We have certainly lost touch with the greater good of people just wanting to find their significant other. I sure hope ghosting goes away sometime soon and we can get back to reality. Unfortunately,  I am afraid that the art of getting to know someone is lost in translation of a text and a bright phone screen. 

Now who on earth thinks it is common courtesy to just up and disappear? If this is what dating has come to online or in person, the future generations of single persons, are going to be rudely awakened, sadly and surely. I don't understand, why a human being cannot just grow a pair of balls and let the other person know, stranger or not, that they just don't want to go out with them or are just not interested anymore. Everyone is always afraid of rejection, both males and females, but the art of ghosting and rejection have grown to a higher level with internet dating playing a role. Have we really turned into a bunch of chickens running around a field, trying to find a mate?

Oh, wait, let me answer my own question, no we are all Caspers and no longer friendly and just choose the art of ghosting instead.  If you have been ghosted and would like to share your story I would love to have you as a guest blogger on my site. Maybe we can all learn from this and share our vulnerability with the masses. Maybe then it will reach just one person and help them learn to become a better communicator because we surely have lost all art forms related to it.